she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
