Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
