I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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