i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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