If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
