I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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