Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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