Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
