I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
