Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
