She is in my trunk
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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