I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
