Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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