The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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