Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
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