BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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