i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
