I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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