apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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