I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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