we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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