1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
