you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
