I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
The best revenge is premature balding
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
