she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I think people are normalizing furries
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
