Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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