There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
