I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
