I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
