i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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