if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
