I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
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