it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Everyone says I win the strip club
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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