I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I think your dad took our porno
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
