my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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