Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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