you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
