The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Drunk is a universal language darling
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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