I smell stomach acid.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
