did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
