explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
