biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
