I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
