What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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