Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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