Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
