I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
