Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
