Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
