Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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